Dementia and the “Bad Behaviors” and how you can handle and redirect these problems.
“My
mother is driving me crazy!” This phrase is uttered (or screamed) by
caregivers everywhere who are caring for elderly parents. As if they
didn’t have enough to do, caregivers often have to deal with bad
behavior by their elderly parents. We hear stories from our clients all
the time that have stories of demanding elderly parents, personality
changes, hallucinations, temper tantrums…even abuse.
Aging.com has
come up with the Top 5 “Bad Behaviors” and the Top 5 “Strange and
Obsessive Behaviors” and some solutions on how to handle them. Here are
some behaviors and ways to redirect the behavior:
Bad Behavior #1: Rage, Anger, Yelling
Age
and illness can intensify longstanding personality traits in some
unpleasant ways: An irritable person may become enraged, an impatient
person demanding and impossible to please. Unfortunately, the person
taking care of the elderly parent is often the target.
What to do:
Try to identify the cause of the anger. In most elderly individuals, behaviors are a symptom of distress.
The
aging process in and of itself sometimes brings about anger, as seniors
vent frustration about getting old, having chronic pain, losing
friends, having memory issues, being incontinent – all of the
undignified things that can happen to us as we age.
In
addition, Alzheimer’s disease and dementia can also cause these
behaviors, in which case, your parent doesn’t have control and is not
only frustrating for you but also for them.
As a
caregiver, the best thing you can do is not take it personally. Focus
on the positive, ignore the negative, and take a break from caregiving
when you can by finding some respite. Get some fresh air, do something
you love or call a friend.
You
might also want to consider calling in a home health nurse. Elders
often reserve their worst behavior for those they are closest to, i.e.
family members. The bad behavior might not surface in front of a
stranger. And you get a much-need break.
Bad Behavior #2: Abuse
Sometimes,
elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care
of them and the result is abuse of the caregiver. Stories of mental,
emotional, even physical abuse to the adult child are all-to-common.
Unless the elder has a personality disorder or mental illness, they turn
on the one adult child who is showing the most love because they feel
safe enough to do so. They don’t consciously abuse this son or daughter,
but they are frustrated and need to vent this frustration about getting
old, having chronic pain, losing a spouse and friends, having memory
issues, being incontinent, etc.
What to do:
Try
talking to them about how the abusive behavior makes you feel. However,
many caregivers don’t get very far by talking. If the abuse is verbal
or emotional, making them realize all that you do for them, by not doing
it for a while, may drive home the point that they better be nicer to
you, or you will leave. Finding a little respite for yourself by getting
help will allow your parent to gain a new appreciation for all you do.
If
the elderly parent is physically abusing their caregiver, then
professional help, be it the authorities or a counselor may need to get
involved.
Bad Behavior #3: Not Showering
The
issue of elders who were once reasonably clean refusing to take
showers, wear fresh clothes and take care of personal hygiene is one
that is far more common than most people think – and it’s very
frustrating for caregivers.
Sometimes
the issue is depression. Another factor is control. As people age, they
lose more and more control over their lives. But one thing they
generally can control is dressing and showers. The more they are nagged,
the more they resist.
A
decreased sense of sight and smell may be causing the problem. What your
nose picks up as old sweat, they don’t even notice. Or, memory could be
to blame. The days go by. They aren’t marked with tons of activities,
there isn’t something special about Wednesday – it could be Tuesday or
Thursday – they lose track of time and don’t realize how long it’s been
since they showered.
Another big issue can be fear or discomfort: Fear of slipping in the tub; or embarrassment about asking for help.
What to do:
The
first step is to determine why they have stopped bathing. If they have
lost their sense of smell, see your doctor. Medications your parent is
taking, or some unrelated disorder may be at fault for a loss of smell.
If
depression is the cause, seek professional help. Therapy and medications
can help. If modesty is a problem and the elder doesn’t want a family
member helping her take a bath, because it’s far too intimate, they may
be open to having an in-home care agency coming in for the sole purpose
of a bath.
If they are afraid of the water (or sitting in the tub), there are many types of shower chairs that can help.
If
the person is in a demented state and afraid while bathing, then you
must move gently. Don’t insist on a shower or bath. Begin with just
asking if you can wipe off the person’s face. Gradually move to
under-arms and other parts of the body, talking and telling them what
you are doing as you go.
Do
your best to keep your parent clean. However, too much nagging is
counter-productive, and at the end of the day you may have to lower your
standards and definition of cleanliness.
Bad Behavior #4: Swearing, Offensive Language and Inappropriate Comments
When
a normally loving father or mother is suddenly using the worst
profanities, using offensive language or saying inappropriate things,
family members are baffled as to why…and what to do about it.
We’ve
heard stories about parents who used to be mild-mannered, proper, and
would never utter a four-letter word suddenly cursing at their caregiver
or calling them insulting names. When it happens in public, it’s
embarrassing; when it happens in private it’s hurtful.
What to do:
When the behavior is out-of-character for an elder, the start of Alzheimer’s or dementia is a likely cause.
How
do you deal with swearing? A couple of ideas: when a swearing tirade
sets in, use distraction. Diverting your elderly parent’s attention is a
simple, but effective technique. Once their mind is redirected, the
swearing fit may end.
Also,
try bringing up happy times from the old days. Like all people, elders
love to reminisce about their lives “back in the day.” Using their
long-term memory skills, the elderly parent will likely forget about
whatever it is in the present that set them off.
If none of this works, back off, disappear and wait for it to blow over.
Bad Behavior #5: Paranoia and Hallucinations
Paranoia
and hallucinations in the elderly can take many forms, from accusing
family members of stealing, seeing people who aren’t there or believing
someone is trying to murder them.
What to do:
Sometimes
hallucinations and delusions in elders are a sign of a physical
illness. Keep track of what the elder is experiencing and discuss it
with the doctor. It could also be a side-effect of a medication your
elderly parent is taking. See your doctor, describe the symptoms and ask
if your parent’s medication needs to be changed.
Oftentimes,
paranoia and hallucinations are associated with Alzheimer’s disease or
dementia. When this is the case, caregiving experts seem to agree: when
faced with paranoia or hallucinations, the best thing to do is just
relax and go with the flow. More often than not, trying to “talk them
out” of a delusion won’t work. Validation is a good coping technique,
because what the elder is seeing, hearing or experiencing is very real
to them. Convincing them otherwise is fruitless.
Make
sure to keep an eye out for our blog next week……we will be taking a
look at 5 Obsessive Behaviors and what to do to change or redirect the
behavior
Dementia
is a terrible disease that takes away the people we know and love, and
sometimes they need additional care and you need support, and A Senior
Connection is here to help. A Senior Connection works with many
different Assisted Living and Residential Care Homes and we would love
to help you find the right place to help take care of your parents,
please give us a call today at 916-208-3338 and we will be happy to help
find compassionate, reliable, and trustworthy help for your parents.
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